Ya know.... I live my life and believe I've been forgiven by God for my sins. I ask Him to forgive me; I try my best to do all it is that He asks, and fight my flesh daily. That is not an easy task. Growing up in a world that convinced me that "if it harms none, then its okay", led me to actions that could easily be described as despicable at best. The greater part of my "formative" years were spent trying to find the higher plane, and more peaceful existence.
Its tough..., living this life, and knowing the world, and experiencing all that was put in my path and STILL clinging to my faith because God has been the only constant in my life. I've found that people will fail you. No doubt about it. People WILL fail you, because they are human and prone to error; But when you finally come to that conclusion that you've done nothing but fail yourself.... well, thats a whole other story. .My particular story is not your "average" run of the mill wild child and it came with some serious consequences, but I "CHOSE" to be that person. I made choices that led to that situation. I put myself in situations that I found almost impossible to resist. Why? I'm not sure. Guilt? Sadness? Self-loathing? Acceptance? The only answer I can come up with is this. A single moment in my life. A single moment of weakness, where I was broken, and hurt and felt as though there wasn't a soul on this earth that cared if I lived or died; and that's when it happened. A choice. A choice I wasn't ready to make presented to me by one that had come the cheat, steal and destroy. A choice to alter my course in this life. A choice that would determine the rest of my existence. It takes but a moment to change your lives path. Philosophical? Well, not so much. You see; we are faced with choices daily and not all of them are so dire, but every once in awhile there is that sheer moment of weakness when the liar can sneak in upon us and make us believe something far beyond anything we've been taught or know in our soul to be true. It is in that moment that, if we choose to listen, can prevent any greatness or miracle from occurring if we allow ourselves to wallow in that frame of mind.
Many people may never know the desperateness of "that single moment", but I am here to tell you that even if you never see it or feel it; its still there!
Each choice we make alters the very fabric of our future. Each decision, albeit it good or bad, can change our path and forever determine our blessings and misfortune. It all begins with a simple "yes" or "no" depending on the question. You ask yourself "is this right"? and if you have to ask, then you already know the answer, because in your heart, you wouldn't need to ask if it was would you? But herein lies the problem..... if we are so broken and needy that we are looking for solace and peace among our fellow humans, and within this harsh world; when will it ever be right?
Pain and suffering comes in many forms, and each of us experience them differently depending on our upbringing and environment, but the pain still hurts regardless. We are creatures that crave love. We crave attention. We crave acceptance. We crave desirability. We crave warmth and peace. We crave for the hunger to be quenched.
Our basic needs that make us human can be the very thing that is our undoing. Where is the balance? I guess for me, the balance is trusting and having faith. I was so lost for so many years, and in such a dark place, that the thought of loving myself; let alone anyone else was a fantasy. It was by the grace of God, and a life saving event that brought me to a place where my eyes were finally opened.
Years... I had spent YEARS searching for SOMETHING in this world that could bring me the happiness I craved and even after I was treated with mercy and love and saved by sheer miracle; I still sought out things of this world to fill that void that festered within me like an ever growing virus. It wasn't until I surrendered all; all that I am, all that I could be; all that I could HOPE to be and most importantly all that I WAS; that I finally understood,........ none of it mattered, because it wasn't this worlds approval that I was searching for. I'm not gonna lie: There are days when the guilt of my choices sneak up on me and the shame is too much to bear. Those days I can't even look at myself in the mirror because the disgust is too much to tolerate; but I was saved. The moment I accepted; I was saved. Even on those days when I have it hurts so much that there is a coldness that burns quicker than any fire; even on the days when my failings seem too great to count; even on the days when my reflection evokes a bile like response; .... it doesn't matter because I accepted, and I was forgiven, and I was saved.
Thursday, November 6, 2014
Wednesday, May 21, 2014
Dear Young Lady,
I write this letter in hopes that you will find it within you to stand firm, stand tall and believe.
There are many things in this life that will be obstacles to overcome. Starting with the awkwardness of being taught to remain a young lady in a world full of sexual promiscuity.
Growing up with celebrities showing more and more skin; being more and more outrageous with their behaviors and the public pretty much praising them and growing even more ga-ga at their every misdeed and misfortune. The world around you is changing fast and times even faster. It seems you can't keep up no matter how hard you try.
I would like to take the time to talk to you about your problems. Let me start off by saying..... even though there are times you don't feel it at all; you are loved. Even though there are times when you feel like the world around you is crumbling and crashing at your feet; there is stability and safety.
You are just looking in the wrong places.
You have girlfriends, but you are so worried about them seeing the real, insecure you, that you never really show them who you are and by the time you muster up the courage to do so.... they will have moved on from the superficial relationship you are willing to offer to one that has more substance. Hold firm and be yourself, because that is what drew them in, in the first place. There is something to be said about deep long-lasting friendships that stand the test of time. Those are the friends that will become your sisters in life. They will be there for you during all the momentous moments. The first kiss, the engagement, the wedding, the birth of the first child, the loss of a loved one.... but if you aren't willing to open your heart to them, how can you expect them to be a part of it?
I know that girls in their teens are tough. There are all these emotions, and expectations, jealousy, cattiness and the like. But did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe they are just as insecure about themselves as you are?
Give them a break. They may surprise you.
Your self image is proving to be your biggest downfall. You see the images all around you of waif thin models who looks like they could fit in with the images of a refugee camp. Yet, all these models are being said to be the most beautiful, or most fit, or most healthy. You look into the mirror and see curves, and muscles, and instead of seeing the physically fit and active young woman you are becoming, you see a fat, disgusting female form. Not someone beautiful, not someone unique, but a freak of nature that deserves to be hated.
Don't let the world dictate to you what your form should look like. God created you to be curvy, to be a woman capable of creating life. Those hips are needed. How else could you carry a baby to term if there was no room? That precious life you may someday bring into this world needs room to grow in a healthy body.
You are beautiful. You are not fat. You are not disgusting. Food and Eating is not your enemy, but those voices in your head are. You know those voices.... the ones telling you that the hunger pains are good, and if you can skip one meal, why not two, why not three, lets see how long you can go.... Yeah, those voices. Those are the ones you should be ignoring. They are killing any semblance of love you have left for yourself.
I just want to let you know, that real men like women who look like women. Not skeletons. Your future husband will not want to hold your hand if he fears he may break it. He won't want to embrace you if he is worried about cracking a rib.
Which brings me to my next point.
Young men. They are a cruel species. Don't get me wrong, many grow up to be fine, God fearing and respectable men, but at this point in the game it is way to early to be giving your heart to anyone. You don't even love yourself, yet you are going to put every ounce of love you have left into a young man that at this point you cannot say will be with you forever. Oh, he may promise to love you forever, and never leave you, but promises are words. Don't let words be the reason you are lost forever. Don't let words be the reason you've given so much of yourself that there is nothing left to hold on to.
The pain and regret of loving so deeply at such a young age will haunt you forever. There will be nights woken in terror, and a song or smell can bring the heartbreak back like it just happened yesterday even if its been years ago. Giving yourself so completely should only ever be to your husband. Protect your heart and all that goes along with it. Its the only one you have and its precious. Yes, you may not think you are worth that much; But I tell you dear one... You are precious and a perfect version of you. There will never be another and even if the people in your life now, do not accept and love you for what you "are" willing to offer, there is (and assure) others that will be more than happy with that.
Many things in this life will bring you heartache, but none more severely than loving and giving of yourself too deeply before its time. Timing is not ours. It happens when its supposed to and no matter how we may try to force it to fill the broken heart it won't work. You see the problem is that you broke your own heart. How can a broken glass hold any water? How can a cracked vase hold the water to keep the plant alive? It can't. You need to heal before your ready to offer any part of yourself to another. That takes time, that takes growth, and knowledge. Please, I am begging you... please, protect your heart. Invest in the friends you have around you.
The loneliness and pain will lead to years of trying to find anything to numb the ache. That will only serve to bring you more loneliness and more pain.
Don't follow this path. Stop and heed my warnings. I love you dear one. More than you would ever think I could.
Signed,
Your future self.
I write this letter in hopes that you will find it within you to stand firm, stand tall and believe.
There are many things in this life that will be obstacles to overcome. Starting with the awkwardness of being taught to remain a young lady in a world full of sexual promiscuity.
Growing up with celebrities showing more and more skin; being more and more outrageous with their behaviors and the public pretty much praising them and growing even more ga-ga at their every misdeed and misfortune. The world around you is changing fast and times even faster. It seems you can't keep up no matter how hard you try.
I would like to take the time to talk to you about your problems. Let me start off by saying..... even though there are times you don't feel it at all; you are loved. Even though there are times when you feel like the world around you is crumbling and crashing at your feet; there is stability and safety.
You are just looking in the wrong places.
You have girlfriends, but you are so worried about them seeing the real, insecure you, that you never really show them who you are and by the time you muster up the courage to do so.... they will have moved on from the superficial relationship you are willing to offer to one that has more substance. Hold firm and be yourself, because that is what drew them in, in the first place. There is something to be said about deep long-lasting friendships that stand the test of time. Those are the friends that will become your sisters in life. They will be there for you during all the momentous moments. The first kiss, the engagement, the wedding, the birth of the first child, the loss of a loved one.... but if you aren't willing to open your heart to them, how can you expect them to be a part of it?
I know that girls in their teens are tough. There are all these emotions, and expectations, jealousy, cattiness and the like. But did it ever occur to you that maybe, just maybe they are just as insecure about themselves as you are?
Give them a break. They may surprise you.
Your self image is proving to be your biggest downfall. You see the images all around you of waif thin models who looks like they could fit in with the images of a refugee camp. Yet, all these models are being said to be the most beautiful, or most fit, or most healthy. You look into the mirror and see curves, and muscles, and instead of seeing the physically fit and active young woman you are becoming, you see a fat, disgusting female form. Not someone beautiful, not someone unique, but a freak of nature that deserves to be hated.
Don't let the world dictate to you what your form should look like. God created you to be curvy, to be a woman capable of creating life. Those hips are needed. How else could you carry a baby to term if there was no room? That precious life you may someday bring into this world needs room to grow in a healthy body.
You are beautiful. You are not fat. You are not disgusting. Food and Eating is not your enemy, but those voices in your head are. You know those voices.... the ones telling you that the hunger pains are good, and if you can skip one meal, why not two, why not three, lets see how long you can go.... Yeah, those voices. Those are the ones you should be ignoring. They are killing any semblance of love you have left for yourself.
I just want to let you know, that real men like women who look like women. Not skeletons. Your future husband will not want to hold your hand if he fears he may break it. He won't want to embrace you if he is worried about cracking a rib.
Which brings me to my next point.
Young men. They are a cruel species. Don't get me wrong, many grow up to be fine, God fearing and respectable men, but at this point in the game it is way to early to be giving your heart to anyone. You don't even love yourself, yet you are going to put every ounce of love you have left into a young man that at this point you cannot say will be with you forever. Oh, he may promise to love you forever, and never leave you, but promises are words. Don't let words be the reason you are lost forever. Don't let words be the reason you've given so much of yourself that there is nothing left to hold on to.
The pain and regret of loving so deeply at such a young age will haunt you forever. There will be nights woken in terror, and a song or smell can bring the heartbreak back like it just happened yesterday even if its been years ago. Giving yourself so completely should only ever be to your husband. Protect your heart and all that goes along with it. Its the only one you have and its precious. Yes, you may not think you are worth that much; But I tell you dear one... You are precious and a perfect version of you. There will never be another and even if the people in your life now, do not accept and love you for what you "are" willing to offer, there is (and assure) others that will be more than happy with that.
Many things in this life will bring you heartache, but none more severely than loving and giving of yourself too deeply before its time. Timing is not ours. It happens when its supposed to and no matter how we may try to force it to fill the broken heart it won't work. You see the problem is that you broke your own heart. How can a broken glass hold any water? How can a cracked vase hold the water to keep the plant alive? It can't. You need to heal before your ready to offer any part of yourself to another. That takes time, that takes growth, and knowledge. Please, I am begging you... please, protect your heart. Invest in the friends you have around you.
The loneliness and pain will lead to years of trying to find anything to numb the ache. That will only serve to bring you more loneliness and more pain.
Don't follow this path. Stop and heed my warnings. I love you dear one. More than you would ever think I could.
Signed,
Your future self.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Melancholy. It is a word that described by Merriam Webster means a sad mood or feeling. But I have come to realize that this "noun" can seem to take on a life of its own. It can change from being one thing to something drastically devastating.
If fed it can thrive to become a living thing. It devours time. Minutes that at one instant seem to drag on; suddenly disappear altogether leaving you wondering where they went. It feasts on nostalgia. Nothing like a song or smell to trigger a memory. Even the right shade of blue can make your mind wander to a day when life was (at least in the moment) as good as it can get. That nostalgia fuels the melancholy giving it action into your existence. This thing that was once not much more than a mood has now undergone a horrific change. You start to exist in this melancholy. It then starts to eat away at more important things like faith, hope, self worth, and confidence. It eats and devours till all that is left is an empty, numb shell. This "feeling" has now become a living parasite that gorges on the little shimmers of self that still exist buried deep within. Where does it start? How to get it to end?
These are questions that differ from person to person. Each individual is unique and with that uniqueness comes a set of quandries that aren't so easily solved. Moving from day to day seems to pose its own obstacles to be fought.
Taking control and fighting back from a desolate, isolation is no easy feat. It takes perseverance, and love and patience from those around you. But take solace in the fact that YES those battles can be won. It takes the very hope and faith that feeds this internal monster. Starve it. Deny it. Let it die.
If fed it can thrive to become a living thing. It devours time. Minutes that at one instant seem to drag on; suddenly disappear altogether leaving you wondering where they went. It feasts on nostalgia. Nothing like a song or smell to trigger a memory. Even the right shade of blue can make your mind wander to a day when life was (at least in the moment) as good as it can get. That nostalgia fuels the melancholy giving it action into your existence. This thing that was once not much more than a mood has now undergone a horrific change. You start to exist in this melancholy. It then starts to eat away at more important things like faith, hope, self worth, and confidence. It eats and devours till all that is left is an empty, numb shell. This "feeling" has now become a living parasite that gorges on the little shimmers of self that still exist buried deep within. Where does it start? How to get it to end?
These are questions that differ from person to person. Each individual is unique and with that uniqueness comes a set of quandries that aren't so easily solved. Moving from day to day seems to pose its own obstacles to be fought.
Taking control and fighting back from a desolate, isolation is no easy feat. It takes perseverance, and love and patience from those around you. But take solace in the fact that YES those battles can be won. It takes the very hope and faith that feeds this internal monster. Starve it. Deny it. Let it die.
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