Ya know.... I live my life and believe I've been forgiven by God for my sins. I ask Him to forgive me; I try my best to do all it is that He asks, and fight my flesh daily. That is not an easy task. Growing up in a world that convinced me that "if it harms none, then its okay", led me to actions that could easily be described as despicable at best. The greater part of my "formative" years were spent trying to find the higher plane, and more peaceful existence.
Its tough..., living this life, and knowing the world, and experiencing all that was put in my path and STILL clinging to my faith because God has been the only constant in my life. I've found that people will fail you. No doubt about it. People WILL fail you, because they are human and prone to error; But when you finally come to that conclusion that you've done nothing but fail yourself.... well, thats a whole other story. .My particular story is not your "average" run of the mill wild child and it came with some serious consequences, but I "CHOSE" to be that person. I made choices that led to that situation. I put myself in situations that I found almost impossible to resist. Why? I'm not sure. Guilt? Sadness? Self-loathing? Acceptance? The only answer I can come up with is this. A single moment in my life. A single moment of weakness, where I was broken, and hurt and felt as though there wasn't a soul on this earth that cared if I lived or died; and that's when it happened. A choice. A choice I wasn't ready to make presented to me by one that had come the cheat, steal and destroy. A choice to alter my course in this life. A choice that would determine the rest of my existence. It takes but a moment to change your lives path. Philosophical? Well, not so much. You see; we are faced with choices daily and not all of them are so dire, but every once in awhile there is that sheer moment of weakness when the liar can sneak in upon us and make us believe something far beyond anything we've been taught or know in our soul to be true. It is in that moment that, if we choose to listen, can prevent any greatness or miracle from occurring if we allow ourselves to wallow in that frame of mind.
Many people may never know the desperateness of "that single moment", but I am here to tell you that even if you never see it or feel it; its still there!
Each choice we make alters the very fabric of our future. Each decision, albeit it good or bad, can change our path and forever determine our blessings and misfortune. It all begins with a simple "yes" or "no" depending on the question. You ask yourself "is this right"? and if you have to ask, then you already know the answer, because in your heart, you wouldn't need to ask if it was would you? But herein lies the problem..... if we are so broken and needy that we are looking for solace and peace among our fellow humans, and within this harsh world; when will it ever be right?
Pain and suffering comes in many forms, and each of us experience them differently depending on our upbringing and environment, but the pain still hurts regardless. We are creatures that crave love. We crave attention. We crave acceptance. We crave desirability. We crave warmth and peace. We crave for the hunger to be quenched.
Our basic needs that make us human can be the very thing that is our undoing. Where is the balance? I guess for me, the balance is trusting and having faith. I was so lost for so many years, and in such a dark place, that the thought of loving myself; let alone anyone else was a fantasy. It was by the grace of God, and a life saving event that brought me to a place where my eyes were finally opened.
Years... I had spent YEARS searching for SOMETHING in this world that could bring me the happiness I craved and even after I was treated with mercy and love and saved by sheer miracle; I still sought out things of this world to fill that void that festered within me like an ever growing virus. It wasn't until I surrendered all; all that I am, all that I could be; all that I could HOPE to be and most importantly all that I WAS; that I finally understood,........ none of it mattered, because it wasn't this worlds approval that I was searching for. I'm not gonna lie: There are days when the guilt of my choices sneak up on me and the shame is too much to bear. Those days I can't even look at myself in the mirror because the disgust is too much to tolerate; but I was saved. The moment I accepted; I was saved. Even on those days when I have it hurts so much that there is a coldness that burns quicker than any fire; even on the days when my failings seem too great to count; even on the days when my reflection evokes a bile like response; .... it doesn't matter because I accepted, and I was forgiven, and I was saved.
